How are you so happy doing a job that involves people dying around you?

This is probably one of the number one questions I get asked about my choice to pursue this career. It doesn’t matter whether you work in assisted living, long term care, retirement, respite, group homes or day programs… inevitably, at some point in this field of work you will come into contact with death.

Dealing with death is definitely something I deal with a lot, especially with the majority of my experiences having been in long term care, assisted living and retirement.

Despite what a lot of people assume, just because I know death is a part of my job doesn’t mean I’m immune to feeling grief. Studies have actually shown that if grief isn’t supported and discussed, especially in setting with high-mortality rates, that the individuals that work there actually exhibit more signs and symptoms not less.

Just like many people in the field of TR, and anyone that works in a health care based setting, I believe strongly in person-centred care. When you use this system of care a huge part of it involves being able to build strong relationships with the people you support. In fact I’m choosing to write this piece now because I recently dealt with a death at the home I work at. I’m not going to lie, this one struck me harder than I’m used to and it hasn’t been easy to deal with.

It doesn’t matter how new you are or how long you’ve been working in this field or a similar one, death impacts us all. We need to be especially cautious of ourselves and those around us during the times when there are multiple deaths around the same time, for those towards the north this often occurring during winter months.

I wanted to write this piece to break the stigma around death, and let everyone know thats its okay to grieve and its okay to cry. It’s okay to not be okay when we’re dealing with the loss. I have found myself crying on numerous occasions over the last few days dealing with this particular death, and that is okay.

Here are some tips and/or reminders for everyone. These tips are for those of you considering entering the field, those that are new the field and those of you that have been in the field for 20 years. These tips are for the family members, the co-workers, the residents themselves. These tips are for the employers out there, ways you can make your workplace more comfortable for your staff. Lets make grief a little easier for Recreation Therapists, Nurses, Doctors, Occupational Therapist, Physiotherapists, and any other professional working in settings where death may be something we need to deal with.

Dealing With Grief in the Workplace

1 – Acknowledge the Grief

I know this sounds so obvious but we often are in such a “go go go” kind of pace that we stop to recognize our own feelings. We push it off because we don’t want to seem weak or sensitive or we just want to focus on getting our work done. We don’t want to accept that we’re sad.

By being able to stop and recognize the grief and other emotions you’re feeling is so important. If you don’t, you won’t be able to hear what you’re heart and brain are telling you that you need.

2 – Talk

Talking is such an important step in the process of being able to deal with grief for so many. Whether it is talking your boss, your co-worker, your partner, your mom or even your cat. Talk can not only help us figure out what we’re feeling and what we need, but sometimes it in itself can be what we need.

If you’re an employer, this can be a great opportunity for you to step in and ensure your staff knows they can come to you to talk. For the co-workers, this can be a great opportunity for you to reach out and check on each other to see how everyone is doing the difficult time.

3 – Practice Self Care

I know, I know you hear this one all the time… but thats because it really is that important. Practicing self-care can be so many things from hot showers, face masks, taking some time to watch a movie or going for a walk on a local trail. So why is it so important?

Self-care isn’t just a time to make ourselves feel pretty or take some time to relax, its also about listening and respecting our mind and bodies. It’s about understanding we all have limits and that sometimes we need to take a second to relax, recoup, regenerate and breathe.

4 – Use the Supports Available

Some workplaces will bring in grief counsellors during especially difficult situations, like when multiple individuals have passed away in a very short period of time. These professionals are great in helping you find ways to cope and deal with death, they can help talk you through what you’re feeling and they can just be an ear to listen.

The supports offered don’t have to be as formal as a grief counsellor though. Supports can range from opportunities to talk to your boss, hugging your co-workers, using a quiet space in the facility to breathe, taking an extra break or using your benefits to talk to a counsellor.

If you’re not sure what supports your work offers I highly suggest reaching out to those that you work with. This can be a great conversations starter if your workplace doesn’t offer a specific support or any supports for that matter. The only way your employer will know if their employees need something is if we take the time to speak to them. It’s a lot easier to have these conversations and get the ball rolling before something happens then when you’re right in the middle of needing support.

5 – Be Honest with Yourself

By honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. You don’t need to be invincible, you don’t need to always be strong and yes it is absolutely okay to be sad and cry. We are human and we have emotions, thats what makes us so great at being able to support, care for and love the individuals that we work with.

Lying to yourself about what your heart and brain are feeling isn’t helping anyone, in fact it can have a lot negative consequences. Studies have shown that by holding in and/or hiding our emotions we are more likely to have what is called a “burn out” or deal with a mental health crisis.

6 – Honour/Remember the individual

Doing things to remember the individual who has passed away can be beneficial to not only family, friends and others residents but also us. They allow us to remember the good times we had, honour the individual that has died and help us find closure.

Remembering and honouring an individual can take a lot of different forms from attending the visitation or funeral, buying flowers in their honour, writing them a letter, talking about them and hosting a memorial at your workplace for them. Many long term care/retirement homes have actually gone towards having their own memorial services allowing for staff and residents to support each other while remembering someone they loved and cared for.

Theres no right or wrong way to remember and honour, but it can make a huge difference in allowing you move forward in being able to do your job.

7 – Recognize the Impact You Had On Their Life

When we have lost someone, in our personal and professional life, we often find ourselves saying all the “what ifs”. What if I had of checked on them sooner? What if I had of run faster? What if I had of pushed them to see a doctor? What if I had of been with them?

We spend a lot of time blaming ourselves, lashing out at ourselves and trying to find a fault in what we did. I know for me personally, I struggle with this exact same issue. With that said though, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t bring the individual back. It’s important that instead we start altering our thoughts, recognizing the positive impact we had on their life instead.

As a Recreation Therapist, Occupation Therapist, Physiotherapist, Nurse, Doctor, ect we do everything we can to care for the people around us. We go out of our way to support them, ensure they’re comfortable, bring happiness into their lives. By changing our thoughts to positive ones, we end up helping ourselves through the emotions and feelings that surround grief. Allowing yourself to understand that you made a positive impact on their life not only improves your mental health, but also helps you to understand the importance of what you do and allow yourself to keep doing it.

We need to remember that while one person has passed away there are others that still need us. We need to remember that we did everything we could and we cared for them well, but that we need to keep providing the same level of care to those that we work with.

8 – Don’t Be Afraid to Take a Time Out

Don’t be afraid to say you need a break, that you need a moment to take care of yourself. Our days are spent finding ways to support those around us, providing opportunities to better their lives. You are allowed to say that you need a moment to do the same for yourself.

Some workplaces offer the opportunity to take more or longer breaks for employees that directly supported the individual that passed away. This is another really important conversation to have with your employer to see what they offer. While there may not be an official rule stating this, your employer may still be able to offer you time. Sometimes a single 15 minute break to catch your breath is enough.

If you find you’re really struggling with a certain death, or a certain group of deaths, don’t be afraid to take some time off. If you’re not in a good head space, you won’t be able to do your job to the best of your ability. There may be a time or even two that you may need to take a day or two off in support of your own mental health and that is okay. You aren’t weak for needing to take some time for yourself, in fact being able to admit that you need a break is a powerful thing to do. Knowing our limits is incredibly important to ensuring we provide quality care.

Dealing with death is hard, it doesn’t matter who you are or how often you see it occur. It’s okay to say you’re not okay. Have a tip I didn’t include? Comment below. Lets support each other.

Dedicating this one to you puzzle queen, R.I.P.